Fathers hold equal, crucial role in parenting

by Dr. Judith Kleinfeld

Published: May 7th, 2009 11:26 PM
Last Modified: May 7th, 2009 11:27 PM

At McDonald's I overheard my 12-year-old son tell a friend about the essence of the ways his dad differed from his mom. "If I ordered a hamburger and spilled my Coke on it, my Mom would order me a new lunch," he said. "My Dad would make me eat the mess."

My son is asking a fascinating question: What do fathers do for children that mothers can't?

Children, especially boys, who grow up with detached fathers are apt to become delinquents, research has shown. They are also less apt to do well in school or have happy marriages. But why is this?

"Fathers bring unique and irreplaceable qualities that mothers do not ordinarily bring to childrearing," concludes David Popenoe, summarizing the latest research on fathering.

Fathers find it easier to enforce fair and consistent rules, he argues, because they are not picking up on everybody's feelings. Thus, fathers find it easier to set standards and let their children experience the consequences of failing to meet them.

Mothers are better at tuning into the child's mood and situation. We call mothers "softies" but that's not the right way to look at it. Mothers are not softer but more sensitive.

I can taste in my own mouth that disgusting Coke-drenched hamburger.

My husband and I are classic examples of Popenoe's points about why both mothers and fathers have crucial but different roles in child-rearing. Take the time our teenage son totaled our Jeep.

I felt sympathy. The kid was a new driver, and he was trying to get home.

Coming down an icy road on a steep cliff, he lost control of the car, rolling it again and again. When I saw the totaled car at the junkyard, every single pane of glass or sheet of metal was smashed. I was grateful my son was not smashed.

I wanted to give him a new car. How else was he going to learn to drive safely?

His dad said no. Why should he get a new car because he had wrecked our Jeep? He should have known better than to drive in such icy conditions. He should have spent the night at his friend's. He could take the bus the rest of the year, and that's just what he had to do.

Dads play more rough and tumble games with their children and they are more exciting to play with. In one study, more than two-thirds of small children, when given a choice between their two parents, preferred to play with their fathers.

A father's active, aggressive play, surprisingly, ends up teaching children how to control their emotions and cool down. If the children get out of control, if anyone starts to bite or kick, fathers usually end the game.

When mothers pick up their babies, they usually snuggle them close to their chests. The children get a lot of warmth and security. The problem is that they don't get much of a view.

Fathers are more apt to pick up their babies, hold them at arm's length, and bounce them around. Fathers more often carry their babies on their shoulders, where they can see the world.

These different parenting styles persist as children get older. Mommy play tends to take place more at the child's level of interest. When my daughter wanted a doll house, for example, I scanned the newspaper ads to find her a perfect dollhouse. I helped her decorate it, even though I had absolutely no interest in doll houses.

To get her father's attention, my daughter had to tap into his interests. Helping her dad develop photographs in his darkroom is one of her favorite memories. She learned a lot more about chemistry in the darkroom than from her dollhouse.

Now that our children are adults, it's my husband who get the important e-mails from the children about equalizers and amplifiers, computers and investments, and why the car is making peculiar noises.

Now I get jealous of how close our adult children are to their father, even if he did make them eat that disgusting hamburger drenched in spilled Coke.




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Judith Kleinfeld is a psychology professor and co-director of northern studies at University of Alaska Fairbanks.

Source: http://www.adn.com/opinion/comment/story/787847.html